What happens when love isn’t enough to keep a family together?
In my recent Beyond Trauma podcast episode with renowned psychologist and author Dr. Joshua Coleman, we explored one of the most painful and complex experiences a parent can face: estrangement from an adult child.
With rising rates of adult child-parent cutoffs, more families are silently struggling with shame, confusion, and heartbreak. And while every situation is unique, the good news is this: understanding the underlying dynamics of estrangement can pave the way for insight, healing, and in some cases—reconnection.
A Changing Family Landscape
Dr. Coleman notes that today’s ideals around family are vastly different from those of previous generations. In the past, parent-child bonds were maintained out of duty, tradition, and societal pressure. Now, adult children are more likely to value relationships that support their emotional well-being—even if that means stepping away from family ties that feel harmful or invalidating.
Estrangement may stem from:
- Unhealed childhood trauma
- Emotional neglect or criticism
- Lack of boundaries or respect for autonomy
- Parental divorce or favoritism
- Unaddressed mental health struggles
You can read more about the growing trend of estrangement in this article in The New Yorker.
When Therapy Leads to Estrangement
Surprisingly, even therapy can contribute to estrangement—especially when adult children begin identifying harmful patterns from childhood. Dr. Coleman cautions clinicians to be mindful not to pathologize parents or reinforce a victim-only narrative. Therapy should empower clients to set boundaries and develop tools for dialogue and repair.
Learn more about this delicate balance from Psychology Today’s coverage of family estrangement.
What Parents Can (and Can’t) Do
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but Dr. Coleman offers some deeply compassionate and practical advice:
- Respect boundaries even if they feel hurtful or confusing.
- Avoid defensiveness. It’s hard, but necessary.
- Apologize without conditions. Owning past missteps without minimizing them is crucial.
- Write an amends letter. Dr. Coleman suggests a carefully crafted letter over a call, as it gives the child space to process without pressure.
For guidance, his book Rules of Estrangement is a must-read.
The Power of a Well-Written Amends Letter
So much can be triggered in a clumsy or poorly timed apology. Dr. Coleman stresses the importance of avoiding blame-shifting, over-explaining, or “trauma-dumping.” Instead, focus on the impact of your actions, not your intentions.
He explains more about this process in this TEDx talk that explores the psychology of reconciliation.
After Reconnection: What Comes Next?
Reconnection doesn’t mean everything returns to the way it was. It’s a new phase of the relationship that must be navigated slowly and with humility.
That often includes:
- New boundaries
- A changed dynamic
- Grieving old expectations
- Continuing personal growth and accountability
For some, full reconciliation may never come—and that’s part of the process too. Healing doesn’t require that the relationship be restored; sometimes, it’s about making peace internally.
Final Thoughts
Dr. Coleman’s message is clear: parents must do the hard, internal work of acknowledging how their behaviors affected their children. That doesn’t mean they’re “bad” people—it means they’re human. And in owning that humanness, we open the door to possibility, healing, and deeper connection.
If you’re navigating estrangement or want to understand how to prevent it in your family, I highly recommend listening to the full Beyond Trauma episode, available wherever you stream podcasts.
You’re not
