In an era when political identity often overshadows family ties, what happens when politics begins to tear families—and entire communities—apart?
The rise of hyper-partisan conflict isn’t just a headline; it plays out at holiday tables, in text threads, and across dinner conversations where differences go unspoken or explode into conflict.
In the wake of the political assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, a stark example of how political tensions can become violent and personal has rippled through public consciousness. Kirk, co-founder of the conservative student organization Turning Point USA, was shot and killed while speaking at an event at Utah Valley University in September 2025. A suspect was arrested and charged with aggravated murder, prompting national conversation about political violence and polarization.
To explore how polarized politics strain relationships and what relational strategies can repair them, I spoke with Dr. Bill Doherty — family therapist, author, and co-founder of Braver Angels, a nonprofit dedicated to depolarizing America through structured, respectful dialogue.
Why Political Conflict Breaks Families Apart
Polarization doesn’t begin in institutions — it begins in relationships. Research shows that people today are more likely to end friendships, stop dating, or avoid family members due to political differences. A 2020 survey found that nearly half of Americans say they’ve stopped talking to someone because of politics.
According to Doherty, this mirrors patterns seen in family systems:
- Us vs. Them Thinking: When politics becomes a core piece of identity, disagreements feel existential rather than opinion-based.
- Defensiveness and Threat Responses: Differing viewpoints trigger emotional threat responses similar to conflict in intimate relationships.
- Triangulation: Just as family members might recruit allies against another relative, political groups can reinforce group identity by defining and opposing an “other.”
These dynamics make conversations feel dangerous — which often leads to avoidance or escalation.
How Therapy Principles Apply to Political Healing
What happens inside a Braver Angels workshop illustrates how therapeutic principles can translate to civic engagement. Guided dialogues are structured to foster curiosity first, not persuasion. Facilitators model skills familiar to family therapists:
- Active Listening – Participants reflect back what they heard before responding.
- Shared Experience – Small personal stories replace abstractions and stereotypes.
- Curiosity Over Judgment – Questions like “What led you here?” replace “Why do you think that?”
A 2022 study of structured inter-group dialogue found that when participants engage in facilitated conversations across differences, they experience reduced stereotyping and increased empathy, even when opinions remain unchanged.
What Makes Braver Angels Conversations Work
Doherty emphasizes psychological safety: people need to feel seen and heard before they can consider another perspective. That doesn’t mean abandoning values — it means decoupling human worth from agreement.
Key elements that therapy and Braver Angels share:
- Ground Rules and Structure: Just as therapy sets boundaries for emotional safety, structured conversations prevent interruptions and personal attacks.
- Reflective Listening: Participants practice understanding, not debating.
- Regulated Pace: Sessions allow time for discomfort without forcing closure.
These aren’t just polite talk formats — they’re interventions rooted in decades of research on conflict resolution and family dynamics.
How to Lower Defensiveness Without Giving Up Your Values
Polarization thrives in emotional reactivity. Doherty points to research on motivated reasoning — the idea that people process information in ways that reinforce their beliefs — and suggests that lowering defensiveness is key to bridging divides.
Some practical steps:
- Name the Emotion: Before debating facts, acknowledge what you’re feeling.
- Ask Intentional Questions: “What experiences shaped that view?” opens more space than “How could you think that?”
- Create Temporary Agreements: Find small shared principles (e.g., “We want safety and dignity for all kids”) as starting points.
These are the same skills therapists help couples master long before conflict dissolves.
Practical Steps for Everyday Life
Healing polarization isn’t a one-time workshop — it’s a daily practice. Here are steps you can take today:
- Engage With Curiosity: Ask questions without aiming to convince.
- Practice Reflective Listening: Repeat back what you heard before replying.
- Set Boundaries Respectfully: Choose when to pause, not withdraw.
- Use Structured Dialogue Tools: Small group rules (e.g., timed sharing) reduce reactivity.
- Start Local: Change often begins with one conversation at a time.
There is no quick fix for political divides — especially ones that affect family gatherings, friendships, and civic life. But adopting relational tools rooted in therapy — listening first, pausing before reacting, and acknowledging human complexity — can make bridges possible.
Listen to my conversation with Dr. Bill Doherty HERE.
