by Lara Land | Feb 13, 2019 | COACHING, COMMUNITY, LAND BLOG, SELF-IMPROVEMENT, TRAIN YOUR BRAIN
What is love?
Living in New York City the signs of love can get very confusing. In a city of driven creative workaholics whose first question is “what do you do?” evaluation of and compatibility with others tends to be transactional (even though we often don’t see it that way).
When I was looking for love I did the typical smart NYC girl thing and downloaded a stream of podcasts and blogs soaking up their find love fast advice. There were two common yet somewhat troubling recommendations across all of them:
- Find self love first.
- Make a list of what you want in a partner.
Everyone says to focus on self-love. In fact to this day when I post any advice on finding love, I inevitably get a comment about how I should be guiding people to find self love and not a partner. But why can’t you put some efforts into finding a loving partner if that’s what you want? You can!
Of course self-love is important, but we mustn’t act like it’s a switch you turn on or a thing you find (and never lose) which makes finding partner love instantaneous. Self-love is an ongoing process and contrary to popular belief, a good deal of that process can be done in the throws of a good healthy relationship.
It’s also valuable to note (in this age of social ME-dia) what self-love is not. Self-love is not selfishness, self-promotion, self-indulgence, or self-centeredness. It’s quiet and consistent and occurs side-by-side love of family, community, and cosmos.
Making a list of what we want and don’t want in a partner has some unexpected downfalls. The pros are obvious. Putting down what we want out of life is a helpful practice, but it can also be constricting and detrimental if we are even the tiniest bit confused or misled about what we should be asking for. And we always are. The problem is we feel SO clear when we write these things down. We don’t even know we are limiting ourselves unnecessarily and often asking for qualities we think we want/need, not the ones that will actually make us the most happy.
So.. how do we find love?
- Get out of your own way. Self-sabotage is perhaps the single most common reason so many of us are not in a loving partnership. We say we want love but we push away or destroy any viable opportunity. By creating unearned doubt and getting ahead of ourselves we end things before they even begin. We do this for many reasons, including fear of getting close, our addiction to our story of being alone, and our suspicion of the unknown. Combat this habit by practicing the yoga technique of staying present. Go day by day and keep showing up in gracious curiosity for yourself and for your potential partner, being with any doubts and peculiar feelings which arise. Give yourself and the person you are dating a chance before throwing it all out because of a fear of living with an attribute not on your list!
- Say no. Say no to old habits, place savers, actions and activities which are covering for or filling the space of what you desire. If you really want love you’ll need to recognize what you’ve been doing that hasn’t been working and start shifting those patterns. You’ll need to allow yourself loneliness, quietness, boredom, and sometimes uncomfortable, unfilled time. Say no to anything which numbs how you feel and those things that provide only temporary relief. Instead keep your heart open and even broken for signs of the real thing.
- Take risks. Date someone different. Go somewhere different. Expand your experiences and expectations. Question your key attribute list. Become what you desire so you don’t need someone else to be that and can allow for a partner who might be different. Stay open to new dynamics. Be less sure and more curious. Look into any idealized notions of love and partnerships and throw them all away. Get ready to be surprised.
- Stick with it. Timing is a funny thing and we are not always ready just when we think we are. That’s a good thing. The extra time with ourselves is something we can look back later on and recognize as a true gift. Just because a love match is taking longer to manifest than you expected, doesn’t mean it won’t happen. It just hasn’t happened yet. Recall other times when things came to you suddenly, delayed, or seemingly accidentally and take comfort in the knowledge that we are not in charge. All we can do is set the stage and be ready to accept love when it appears.
For more detailed counseling on finding and maintaining true love relationships consider private coaching where we can get into your specific blocks and patterns and help you take actionable steps in the direction of love.
by Lara Land | Jan 14, 2019 | COACHING, COMMUNITY, SELF-IMPROVEMENT, TRAIN YOUR BRAIN
I did an Instagram post on New Year urging elimination before goal setting and I wanted to share more about that. In some ways, it’s very simple. Most people, however, miss this step when trying to conjure something new in their lives. You need space before anything new can come. The first step to achieving your goals or manifesting your dreams is getting rid of something else.
Categories to consider eliminating from include:
- Thoughts / thought patterns / emotional crutches
- Physical items / Clutter
- Unnecessary activities
- Draining / Unhealthy relationships
- Old, no longer useful rituals/practices
Once you decide which category you want to start with asking yourself these questions:
- What is unnecessary in this category?
- What is bringing me down or distracting me from my deeper purpose?
- What if I chose to let go of it would make significant room in my life / open things up?
- What am I holding on to because it helped me so much in the past, not because it’s helping me now?
Pick one manageable but impactful thing to release based on your answers to these questions and write it down.
Now you are ready to do the work.
To release an unwanted element in your life:
- Identify how that element has been serving you. There is some way it has!
- Thank it for what it’s done for you.
- Recognize both the payoff you’ve been receiving for holding onto it even though it’s no longer serving and the payoff you will get for letting it go.
- Get clear on what will replace the element you are eliminating. (That vacuum will be filled by something, so choose for yourself before it’s chosen for you.)
- Make a plan for slowly replacing the element you release with the newness you are summoning.
- Expect setbacks. Greet them with compassion and understand. Make your agreements to self small and doable to reinforce your self-belief and ability to change.
Want to go more deeply into resolution and long-lasting change? Grab your copy of My Bliss Book now from my site or Amazon and enter your email for the special My Bliss Book coaching program. My Bliss Bookers will be the first to receive the link for my FREE webinar February 1st 12 pm on the 5 Simple Things You Can Do this Year to Make Your Resolutions Last.
by Lara Land | Dec 17, 2018 | COACHING, LAND BLOG, SELF-IMPROVEMENT, SPIRITUALITY, TRAIN YOUR BRAIN
2018 is coming to a close and many of you are building your to do/ to improve lists for 2019. Studies show these long lists of resolutions have an 80% failure rate by mid-February. Never mind who makes it to March or June. So why keep banging your head against the same resolution road bump? Skip all the mess and heartbreak with one important undertaking.
Commit to building your resilience in 2019.
Work on nothing else.
When you develop this Master quality, you won’t need to work on your big self-improvement list. This will cover it all.
What does it mean to be resilient?
Being resilient means being able to bounce back from any set back quickly and effectively. It’s the number one characteristic you need to kick those “bad habits” long term.
How do I become more resilient?
- Honor your process. Resist the urge to compare your knowledge or progress with anyone else’s. It doesn’t matter where you are, as long as you keep moving forward with persistence. Assess what’s working and refining what’s not. Know that not everyone takes the same road to learn a new skill and work on being at peace with your own unique way of processing.
- Face your fears. Instead of hiding from and avoiding fears this year, make the commitment to facing them dead on. The more you can show up to uncomfortable situations with an open heart and mind, honesty and courage, the more resilient you will become. You will experience first hand that you can bounce back from mistakes stronger than ever.
- Dump negative self-talk. Nip out this nasty habit now by noticing the harmful things you say to yourself and replacing them with a positive mantra. There is absolutely no proof that self-criticism will make you perform any better in the future, so just don’t do it. If you feel resistance against a positive affirmation, change it to something you can believe in fully. For instance, if saying to yourself, “I am smart” leaves you thinking, “No, I’m not” replace it with “I am growing smarter every day”.
- Change the narrative. Overall we’ve become way too sensitive and protected. This is preventing us from taking feedback. Flip the notion that negative feedback means you are a bad person. Your value is not in how you perform. Once you realize that, you will be able to take the feedback and use it to learn and grow without taking it as a personal attack on you as a person.
- Practice self-compassion. Remember to treat your sweet self the way you’d treat a dear friend or relative. Resilience isn’t built by powering through, but by having more understanding and compassion toward self. The more quickly and tenderly you can forgive your errors the more powerfully you can move forward making better and better choices.
- Live to learn. Treat everything you do in life as an experiment. Keep an open mind. Look to learn and improve rather than to be perfect and right. Once you dump perfectionism you’ll be free to try new approaches. This actually leads to better results. The cautiousness of perfectionism is a dark trap that is holding you back from greater success than you currently know.
- Remember your comebacks. When you’re feeling beat down and having a hard time with resilience, this is practice to lean on. Think back to another time you were feeling low about yourself and remember that you were able to turn it around. Let the energy, memory, and lessons of that comeback fuel your next one!
Now it’s your turn! Comment here and let me know which of these resilience building strategies you’ll be using in 2019 or share your own! I’m going to go deeper into these concepts and 5 other
key tactics for keeping your resolutions in a FREE webinar February 1st. I’ll also be answering any burning questions at that event. Grab your copy of
My Bliss Book for your access
CODE.
by Lara Land | Oct 8, 2018 | COACHING, LAND BLOG, LARA LAND
Have you ever thought to yourself that you’ve invested too much to pull out of the life you’ve created, even though something is telling you it’s not your truest calling? Maybe you dare not ask, dare not consider changing direction at this point in the game. Most of us feel this way, especially because so many supporters become invested in our story and have a stake in the life we have lived up until now. I want you to know it is NEVER too late to change direction especially if it means following your highest calling. That is why I decided to share my story with you today.
I went to Boston University for acting. My parents struggled to pay costly tuition and grudgingly supported my college years getting a major in a subject they did not think worthy of such time, fees, and support. Everyone knew me as the actress since I was six years old. I went to a weekend theater school and did all the school plays straight through high school. I enjoyed being on stage but I had secret reservations I was somehow a sham. At 17 I had too much ego to look into those reservations. My focus was much more on proving naysayers wrong. So I went to University and pursued acting.
Two things happened along the way that would change my course forever. One was my deepening discovery of yoga and encounter with Ashtanga Yoga. The other was the asking of one of my teachers this simple question: Do you believe you can change the world through theater? To be clear, I do think the impact of performing arts is world-changing, but as I sat with that question, I couldn’t say that I thought I could change the world through acting. I did want to change the world for the better and I had found a practice that I had faith I could do it through. That practice was and remains yoga.
I didn’t just drop acting in one day. It took me a while to investigate the yoga thing and prepare myself to make the transition to yet another unconventional life path. I knew I’d be disappointing a lot of people, both by destroying their image of what they thought was me and by asking them to get behind another atypical career choice. I had to be certain before I could share and change the way others skepticism might rock me.
When I found I was certain and I started letting them know. In the transition time, I spoke less about acting, slipped in some doubts and shared bits about my new found love of yoga, preparing the way for both myself and my community for my eventual coming out as a full-time yoga teacher. I started changing my story.
I was in my late 20’s when this all went down, which some will say is plenty early in life to make a change, but I will argue ANY age is early enough to throw it all away: 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, if the all is not your true calling. I was as known and wrapped up in the identity of “actress” as anyone in any long-time career and made the same steps anyone will have to, to remove myself from the web of that identity. And it could happen again.
Even now, my role as yoga teacher though still very much present is being tested by my work as a coach, writer, and company director. Which identity will win out is yet to be seen. Maybe I’ll be able to thrive with some blend of them all. Maybe not. What I do know for sure is that I won’t be afraid to walk away from a role which isn’t mine to fill anymore. I have the memory of my first experience leaving acting as a guide and I hope my sharing that memory helps you to identify when it’s time for you to change and gives you the courage to go for it.
Not sure if it’s time to throw it all away to step into the next and better? Below are some questions to ask yourself which will help you find your clarity.
- Are you in a field you’ve outgrown or never truly fit?
- Are you fulfilling someone else’s dream?
- Is there another path calling?
- Has there always been a whisper you’ve been too scared to follow?
- What you would do if you could do the thing which is truly you?
It is never too late to reinvent yourself and do so successfully. Do take the time to ask yourself this self-probing follow up questions as well.
- Am I thinking of throwing my current life away because of fear I can’t succeed?
- Do I often quit when things are tough and jump around from identity to identity?
- Is my reinvention something I’ve wanted consistently for a long time?
- What would success look like and what are the resources I have to get there?
Comment below if you’ve been through or are thinking of going through a major transformation and you use your story to help others. Then take a look at my recent Train Your Brain for Success talk at Women Who Wow where I share my story and offer some other tricks for stepping into a new and better you.
by Lara Land | Sep 10, 2018 | COACHING, LAND BLOG, SELF-IMPROVEMENT
As we say goodbye to summer and head into the fall, I thought it would be the perfect time to talk about transitions. Transitions are one of the hardest things for children and we know that we aren’t much different than children ourselves. Here’s what you should know about transitions in order to help yourself and your loved ones get through them more quickly and eloquently:
- Transitions always take longer than we think they will. The first part of a transition is the major break from the past. At this time you may even note to yourself, “I am in transition”. It can feel good, strange, challenging, exciting, dramatic, sad, but usually, even the rough parts are filled with a kind of positive energy because you are so excited for and focused on the thing you are transitioning to. Then things even out a bit. You start doing the work. It’s a little less emotional and more steady. You may think, “I have this. I got through this transition.” Suddenly you are lost, scared, lonely, doubtful of what you were doing, what you thought you were doing, and why you were doing any of it. This is when many contemplate a change of direction, quitting, even going back to the life they had before. Some revert and some persevere, but EVERYONE hits this moment. Hopefully knowing that those who achieve their goals also go through this doubting time will give you more perspective and perseverance when you are in it.
- You almost always have to lose something to gain something new. Why do some make it through a transition to their intended goal and some not? It has to do with how much they want it and what they are willing to give up to get there. This leads to the second thing to understand about transitions. Whether it is a job, a partner, a home, a friend, or a part of yourself, transitions require some sort of saying goodbye. It’s the letting go of one thing that makes space for the next. Sometimes it is intentional and sometimes a loss is thrust upon us surprisingly and we are thrown into transition without a single warning. Often we do everything we can to get our new life without leaving behind something of the old. This almost always leads to an unnecessarily trying and painful transition period. One way or the other, we will be made to let go of some of our past for a greater future. Accepting this and flowing with it will save you all the nagging suffering which comes from the resistance of reality.
- Transitions are a part of a life. Not only are transitions a necessary part of life, they are a beautiful gift from the universe designed to push us out of our comfort zone and teach us something new about ourselves and the world around us. If we remember that life is not linear but instead a series spiral staircase like cycles which build on each other and include ups and downs, our expectations will be much more in line with reality and we will be more likely to enjoy the transition part of life. Recalling past periods of change and how you got through them will help you when in a current state of flux. Use what worked and let yourself grow and adjust from what didn’t. The realization that you can use the memories of your life experience to become a more artful, adjusted person, is one that will give you immense confidence and resolution. Each time you use a memory to successfully avoid a mistake you’ve previously made you become a stronger and more joyful person, filled with the knowledge that life is an experiment. Like a scientific exercise, you can rule out recipes that don’t fit your hypothesis for success and come closer and closer each time to the formula which does. How empowering is that?!
Keys to handling life’s changes:
- Understand that you will have times of feeling low and anxious.
- Remember that there are stages of transition and try to recognize which phase you are in.
- Have a strong why to keep you motivated toward your future self.
- Lean on your core circle and let them remind you of that why often.
- Focus on the payoffs.
- and finally… don’t be in a rush. There is no substitute for healing and harmonizing nature of time.
Enjoy this blog? Please comment below on your experience getting through a transition. Together we can help each other work toward some smoother cycles.
Want more? Join me on National Women in Business Day, Saturday, September 22nd at
Women Who Wow, a charitable brunch for Three and a Half Acres where I will be speaking on goal setting, actions for success, and what to do when you hit those bumps in the road. Your ticket includes a 3-course brunch, unlimited Hendrick’s cocktails, a special live performance, a swag bag, and some serious women supporting women.
I’ll be selling and signing My Bliss Books at the end with 30% donated to the charity.
by Lara Land | Dec 31, 2017 | COACHING, LARA LAND, POSTON BLOG, SELF-IMPROVEMENT, SPIRITUALITY
As we head into the new year I know you are all excited to bring new projects and plans to life! This is the most popular year to work on manifesting and could be a great time if you set yourself up right. Here are the 3 most popular misconceptions and mistakes people make when attempting to manifest.
- Being Too Specific. There are a lot of books out there claiming you should imagine each detail of the brand new car or partner or job you are trying to bring to your life. In fact, too detailed envisioning can close you off to much bigger and better dreams the Universe has out there for you and cause you not to see the greater gift in your midst. While you should be careful to make sure you specify that your car runs smoothly and is in great working condition and that it comes easily and for right purposes to you, you don’t want to get so specific that don’t take the brand new green car your aunt just gifted you because you imagined red! You may also be holding yourself back by not going deeper into the essence of what it is you desire. Is it really the car, or is it easier transport? Is it really the freelance job or is it more time to right and make your schedule. These aren’t necessarily the same things and the Universe will deliver ALL the parts that come along with new car or job including the trouble of parking and the lack of health insurance. Go to the core and always add “for the greatest good” and “this or something better” to keep your visions pure and open. The Universe will surprise you!
- Having a Completion Date. While it’s fine to say that you want to move out of the city within the next year, giving the Universe an unrealistic complete by date like tomorrow or next week for a big move will only discourage you when it doesn’t happen and stop you growing in your manifestations. While it’s true that nothing is impossible for the Universe, we are still works in progress, learning how to work with these mysterious energies for our greater good and the good of those around us. As you materialize more and more the life you imagine, you will build confidence and the ability to make bigger and bigger dreams come true at a faster and faster pace. This is what I will teach you in Bliss Book, my daily manifestation planner, out this spring! Message me to pre-order this year long guide for making dreams your reality.
- Believing it Should Just Happen. Forgetting that YOU are an intricate part of turning your hopes and desires into life actualizations is a major mistake. You can visualize, dream board, and pray all you want, but if you aren’t willing to do the work, the Universe will not respond. The flip side is, She responds rapidly and strongly to even the smallest of steps done with a full heart and complete trust in Her workings. You don’t have to know how things are going to happen. You just have to trust that they will and make sure your actions aren’t telling the Universe that you really don’t want what you’ve asked for. Don’t keep dating Player Boy if you are asking for true love. You are telling the Universe that you don’t really want it, trust in it, or believe you deserve it. Our actions, however small, must support our deepest desires. Do this and all and more are coming your way!
For more on New Years Resolution, Manifesting, and Winning see last year’s blog here and follow me on facebook, instagram, and twitter where I’ll continue to share my tricks and tools.
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